Thursday, May 18, 2006

Educated out of Reality

A common theory is that anyone who ventures to ask a question is ready to know the truth. The question that I've been asking myself is, “What am I looking for?” On Sunday, I spent sleepless hours lying there in a quiet panic. It was a revelatory moment when I realised that, for all I did, I still felt empty and unfulfilled. As much as I can be content in the moment, I need to think ahead.

Unfortunately, part of growing up is “being educated out of reality.” In childhood, the real world was in sync with dreams, fantasies, and magic. As we grow older, that side of “reality” gives way to a greyness, a sinking stillness that accompanies a heaviness of heart.

I went online to look for flights to Nairobi. A return flight from Vancouver to Nairobi in July runs $6000. What if I embark on that journey, and end up finding none of the magic that I had envisioned? I've been hoping that Africa might be able to bring back some of those dreams I had as a child. Lately, the only time I feel “normal” is when I'm reading, when I'm not thinking about having to exert and interact outward. Even when I write, I feel myself breaking apart inwardly, shattering quietly.

A colleague was telling me that she sometimes hates going to work because of the negativity and the low morale amongst the staff. Over the past few days, I've been questioning whether I could continue doing my work and be happy. There have been so many changes that have come down of late, and I'm afraid that as much as I'd like to adapt, I can't seem to.

I should be marvelling at how quickly nature changes: The snow is practically all gone, and after a couple of weeks of trudging through mud, I can begin to enjoy jogging on solid ground once more. However, I'm wrought with uncertainty at present, and cannot seem to enjoy the bigness and blueness of the world except in small spurts.

I want to dream of basking in the bright sun and lounging on the deck. I want to dream of a time when I was free to dream, when hopes seemed within my grasp.

I'm afraid that it's just been a tough week. So, back to my question: “What am I looking for?” I'm looking for a state of being where I could stop searching so hard.

Right now, I miss being able to laugh for no reason, being able to meditate on the lawn in the sun, lying under a shroud of cherry blossoms. I miss flipping through Peter Pan and feeling the “realness” of Never-Never Land. I'm afraid I have been educated out of that reality of magic.

1 comment:

  1. You'll figure things out. Whatever you do, don't watch "The Hours" twice on the same day. (I know you're thinking about it!) In fact, send me your DVD and I'll go and find your "Peter Pan" and "Little Prince" and "Little Women" and send them up. That mud looks really gross, by the way.