Happiness is....

Summer is upon us. We've had a couple of days where the temperature rose above twenty degrees Celsius. Monday was the first day in over a month where I didn't have any commitments after work. I used the evening to relax in my newly re-organized home. I had received an unexpected parcel in the mail, consisting of various treats, including some of my favourite tea and a beautiful blanket for my cat. I've been receiving quite a number of goodies in the mail lately. The post-office workers no longer eye my parcels and remark, “Another package you've sent yourself?!” New additions to my postcard collection are making me want to dust off my vagabond shoes.

The countdown to my summer holidays is on. Instead of breathing a sigh of relief, I ask myself if what I'm doing is merely an “alibi for a life.” This summer, I plan to pick my writing up an infinite number of notches, past scrawls and scribbles in my journals and random musings on my couple of blogs.

I've tried to justify my actions and inactions of late a million different ways, but the only reason that makes sense is that life is what it is, that we must somehow deal with both disappointments and dreams. I used to feel horrible for being so “privileged,” and constantly questioned “why me?” Right now, the more important question seems to be “why not me?” I've spent a lot of time worrying about other people and feeling bad for everything right that has come my way. A friend used to say that I was afraid of being happy. Happiness is being deserving of the world and believing that I do indeed deserve it.

Today after work, I'll be off on a camping trip. I'll find a hectic peace in being actively engaged in the great outdoors. The fresh air should do me good. The lively company should also refresh my spirits.