My art, my wishes

I've written fourteen pages in my journal today. And it felt so liberating. I was having one of those perfect moments: I was curled up on the sofa, doing what I loved best, scribbling away and listening to Joni Mitchell. My upstairs neighbour/landlord/friend has been traipsing up and down the stairs all evening, probably loading up her truck to prepare for her trip out tomorrow. She'll be driving to Whitehorse for the holidays. I love listening to the footsteps upstairs – they comfort me somehow.

Since starting this blog, I've been writing less in my journal, although I must admit that blogging could never replace journalling. In my journal, I am ten times more neurotic, more nonsensical. I never censor myself. I used to think that I wrote more during particularly distressful times, but I want journalling to be about more than cheap therapy. I want it to be a creative outlet once more, as was the original intent.

Sometimes, I wonder if my blogger identity is becoming something false. Am I building a cyber-community around me to compensate for the lacks in my real life? I've come to realize that I'm actually not lacking in real life at all. Do I really need the internet and technology in order to feel connected to people? That would be too sad to contemplate....

Way back, before human life centred around clocks, people were rooted in a natural rhythm. I wonder how people up here, in the land of the midnight sun and the midday darkness, kept track of their hours. Maybe wondering is completely futile – maybe their somatic “clocks” were enough. After all, would it matter if lunch is at noon or at four in the morning, just as long as the body is nourished when it needs to be? I've not been sleeping well these past few weeks. Perhaps my somatic clock is refusing to be in sync with the clock that I must follow.

I have a love-hate relationship with technology. Many a time, I wish that I could live in a simpler time. (Yes, a time without modern technology does indeed seem simpler. People focused on the near-at-hand, on their immediate world. I know that I have a romanticized view of the past, but I do yearn for it sometimes.) Then again, there are times when I just love what the internet has done for me. Today, I found the blog of a friend with whom I had lost touch. Four years ago, she was a teacher in Vancouver. She has since changed careers, married, and now has a beautiful little boy. Her life has undergone such monumental changes, yet she still looks the same to me. A while ago, I found another blog of an acquaintance, someone I had gone to school with. She's still busy balancing being an artist and earning a living. But at least she's still doing art.

Which brings me back to my “art,” my writing.... Today, my biggest accomplishment is letting those words pour forth and fill up fourteen pages of my journal. This is above finishing reading Macbeth with my class, having my students declare that they liked the play, or getting some of my Christmas shopping done after work (yikes!).

As this might be the last post before I go off for my holidays, I want to wish everyone who reads this blog the joys of the season. Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and although I think every day is reason enough to connect with people, do take this opportunity to get together, laugh, reminisce, and build goodwill. Much love to you all.