Tuesday, October 28, 2008

If only it were about lollipops

The past two weeks or so have seen my schoolwork grind to almost a complete stop. Those of you who read this blog regularly would know that as I've chronicled my ups and downs these past few years, there had been times when I was so disillusioned and heartbroken that I wouldn't know how to pick myself up. Although I'm not currently in that state exactly, lately I've been visited by my old friend, Insomnia, accompanied by Overthinking and their little friend What-If.

I've spent a lot of time sitting and being self-absorbed. Lying in bed at night, I would churn the events of the past few years of my life over and over again in my mind, and wonder if I would be in my current confusion if I had chosen a different path. I know that what-ifs are futile, but I can't help but wonder. I wasn't ready to settle down, wasn't ready to commit to a relationship, wasn't ready to be content in what I had. Due to my own immaturity, or perhaps my sense of adventure, or my sense of simultaneous greatness and insignificance at the time, I had hurt someone who loved me, who wanted to give me the world in the way he knew how. Not only did I not accept his world, I tossed it and his heart away, and fled to search for "something," which, after five years, I still haven't found yet. It all comes to timing. If I were offered the same things again right now, I would wrap them up and cherish them and never let them go.

My dear friend, my "sister from another mister," dispensed her wisdom this past week when I went to her with my disillusionment. She said, "You can't choose who you love." I suppose there are different stages of love. There's the love that is great enough for you to offer the world to another, the love that is not yet great enough to accept the offer, the love that hurts, the love that regrets, the love that wishes for another chance. The problem with not being able to choose the person you love is that it goes both ways. What goes around comes around.... The heart that tosses others in turn gets tossed itself.

To him, somewhere: I'm sorry to have hurt you all those years ago. I know how you must have felt, as I'm still reeling from my own heartbreak. People tell me that time heals all wounds. I haven't found it to be true yet, but I hope it's been true for you. I hope you have retained the love that lets you offer the world, and have found the person who has the love great enough to accept it. I'm sorry I wasn't the one. My heart knows who to offer the world to, but neither heart nor world has been accepted or cherished at this point.

We're supposed to see the world more clearly as we grow up, but I seem to see only the past with any lucidity so that I'm now sorely aware of what I have missed. I don't regret having ventured up North for five years, not one bit, but I wonder at what expense have I gained my adventures and experience. Why is life such a riddle? When we were little, it was possible to have both the red and green lollipops, and if not, we could always have one now and save one for later. But now, if we chose one, we could never go back and have the other as well.

I am aware that to most of you, my rant merely demonstrates how much more I have to learn about love and life. The knowledge that I will look back upon this moment at some later time and see how over-dramatic I am being does nothing to diminish my sense of aloneness and melancholy right now. I am, however, also aware that there are still things to marvel at in the world. Today, I took the long route home, and walked through the wide boulevard with all the fall leaves overhead and at my feet. It felt good to kick up a storm of golden leaves and see them whirl in the dusky glow.


  1. I know you know, but you're the most loving, caring person, and you always give yourself a hard time. I'll always support you, whatever you decide to do, but it's hard to see you like this.

  2. I hope you will always choose to "kick up a storm of golden leaves and see them whirl in the dusky glow" no matter where your choices take you.

  3. Call me if you can't sleep. I'm a night-owl, and am not usually in bed till 3 am anyway since I don't work until the afternoon. And I always love hearing from you. Remember when we talked for hours and hours on the swings those days long ago, and our parents got so mad looking for us?

  4. And I forgot to mention, Mandy asks about you all the time. I'm sure she'd love to see you too, even though she's going through a rough time too.