The fog is lifting

First, let me say that this is my 200th post on this blog. It's been almost three years since I started this. (I'm doing the math -- it means about 70 posts per year, which isn't too bad -- for me....) I had a previous blog before this, but that has been defunct long ago. But this one, I kept up, despite times when I thought I was too self-indulgent here. My readership is small, and I want to keep it that way. It's enough that the handful of you out there take the time to read my little rants and leave the occasional comment.

My classes at SFU are officially over. Yesterday was my last day. Now comes time to finish up (oh, who am I kidding -- to start) two major papers and to study for my four final exams. I did make the trek up Burnaby Mountain to campus this afternoon though, to pop by Dr. S's office with a box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. I had a huge favour to ask of him: to have him provide a reference to get me into grad school. He gladly obliged, and promised to send the reference letters off before going away for four months to Brazil for his research and vacation. We ended up chit-chatting a little bit, and he said that academia had a way of swallowing people up. Those weren't his exact words, but that was what he meant. He alluded to colleagues who slaved away at their research, but who were just so utterly alone in the world, who did not have families to touch them or hug them. I almost asked him which professors he was talking about, so I could just go by their offices and sit and talk to them for a while. But, of course, I didn't. Instead, I was glad to know that my life would never be like that. As alone as I had felt up North or in Vancouver, I always had friends who would stay on the phone with me for hours on end, who would be there even if I was inarticulate and said nothing. I'm a little scared to move to Edmonton for grad school, to a place where I know virtually no one. I've never been one to make friends easily, although the friends that I do make are usually ones that I will have forever.

The fog was thick up at the top of the mountain. It was as though I was walking in a dream. Gone are the crisp autumn days. Next week, when I go up to hand in my Linguistics paper, I'll be asking Dr. D to be a referee as well. I remember three months ago, when all this began, how I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to get the academic references required for my applications. But time propels us forward, forces us to do what we need to do, to hope, to dream, to live.