Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Guilt and wanting

Does guilt ever go away? Not the kind of guilt that stems from some evil act, but the irrational kind, the semi-self-created kind. The kind that grows and spreads like a metastasized tumour. I'm feeling intensely guilty for not going home this Christmas. Although it's absolutely true that my family has never been big on Christmas, and that they're all right with my decision, as my holidays approach, this gnawing feeling is eating away at the ecstasy of Cuba, of my winter tan, of my well-deserved vacation. To boot, I'm missing my friends, friends whom I had promised to spend lots of time with this holiday season. I feel as though I've completely abandoned my past, and, for a while, it had been refreshing, but now, I'm overwhelmed by melancholy.

I want the warmth of family and friends around a fireplace, around a table, around the comfort of stories and laughter. I want not so much the materiality of presents, but the idea and thought of them. I want to know that other people have put thought into getting what they've imagined as the perfect little something for me. I want even the hectic frenzy of shopping for loved ones, to know that all the stress would be forgotten once I see the delight on their faces. I want the smell of a Christmas tree, the simple twinkle in tinsel, the comforting warmth of apple cider down my throat.

Most of all, though, I want to stop wanting....

On Sunday, I went to help a dear friend (one of my Inuvik big sisters) decorate Christmas cookies and a tree. Her place was so warm and cozy and festive. I could have just curled up by the lit tree and I would have been satisfied all night. Tonight, I'll be heading over to a co-worker's for a “pre-Christmas” supper. Although I know that everyone just wants to make me feel less lonely, somehow, these gatherings make me yearn so much more. And, I've started being overcome with remorse that my new “Inuvik family” has become too important in my life, especially when I know this intimate little circle is transient. My other circle of friends is fading. And I've not tried hard enough to hang on.

Which is more painful – the guilt of not holding on to something / someone important, or the hurt of realizing that it's impossible to hang on, that some things just elude you no matter how hard you try?

2 comments:

  1. You don't need to hang on to me; I'm not going anywhere, and we'll always be connected. That I promise. xoxo

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  2. "Which is more painful – the guilt of not holding on to something / someone important, or the hurt of realizing that it's impossible to hang on, that some things just elude you no matter how hard you try?".....if the relationship is really yours to hold, it won't necessarily slip away simply because you aren't hanging on. I say that knowing full well how much it can FEEL like you are losing a relationship, even though you aren't. I have a surrogate father who isn't very good at being held on to...I spent a number of years trying to hang on...then, one day, I let him drift away.... and was surprised two years later to find that though our paths seldom cross, the history between us and the "understanding" of each other is as strong a connection as ever. You don't always lose what drifts away.

    Which would make you happier right now...being with your family and old friends or taking time off in the tropics and relaxing? I think you ought to discern which you want the most deeply and then, putting all regret aside, reach for it whole-heartedly...close your eyes in joyful abandon and throw yourself into whichever adventure you choose.

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