Monday, March 05, 2007

At a loss

I realize it’s been ages since I blogged last. It’s definitely not for the lack of happenings in my humdrum life. It’s just that I’ve been at a loss for words lately. I love words and the way they can evoke emotion, but, I’ve been feeling as though they just could not possibly describe everything I want them to. Instead of clarifying my thinking, words have been confusing me, entangling themselves so that the more I try, the less I am able to flesh out my experiences. Somehow, I’ve become a void, a silence, a series of ellipses that trail off into nothingness.

I came back from the Greater Edmonton Teachers’ Conference yesterday. This yearly trip has done me good. It was a few days of leaving the North in the middle of winter, of connecting with other teachers, of feeling excited about new ideas. On Saturday, a friend and I went out to the hockey game at Rexall Place. He had gotten me an Oilers cap and a flag as well. I think that did it – I’m officially a hockey fan, and an Oilers fan at that.

My sweetie visited me the week before. It’s been difficult spending so much time apart, but I do know that I’d rather see him sporadically than not be with him. I don’t know how other people cope with long-distance relationships. When I told a friend last week that I might not see my boyfriend for another two months, she said that I had a lot of willpower. That’s not it at all. It’s not willpower when it’s an internal knowledge that I’m better for having him in my life, for those moments when I feel completely safe and content in his arms. He bought me a beautiful pair of beaded slippers, and every time I look down at my feet, I’m filled with an emotional warmth.

I’ve finally booked my trip out for spring break. I’ll be visiting a good friend in Yellowknife, and we’ve already made a pact to go dancing the night I get into town. Another friend from Inuvik will also be there during that time, so the three of us will go bar-hopping and have a great girls’ night out.

My aunt passed away about a week and a half ago. Although I never knew her well, my heart ached with an immense sense of loss. My parents flew to Toronto for the funeral. I was browsing the web for flights for myself, to see if I could possibly fly there after the Edmonton conference was over and make it back to Inuvik in time for work on Monday, but the connections were too tight. I would have liked to be there. My parents have always told me that my aunt was the most gentle and sincere person, that I have her sweet nature. I checked in with my parents tonight, and Mom said she had never seen Dad so upset and sad. I can’t imagine what must have been going through his mind these past days. He has not told me many stories about growing up. For all the bitterness I sense he has with his family members, none of it has ever been directed toward my aunt, his little sister. The only story I remember him telling me about my aunt was how she would recite her lessons aloud in the evenings, studying hard for her tests, and would keep him awake. I was eleven when I saw my aunt last, when she, my uncle, cousin, and grandmother visited us in Vancouver. I was just a young child then, and had not the experience or maturity to know the adults in my life as full-fleshed humans. I never got to know my aunt on that adult level, but I’ll always feel connected to her somehow. I’ve started corresponding with my cousin. Through getting to know my cousin better, I’ll be indirectly connecting with her mother, who has instilled in my cousin her own values and set of beliefs. We are all our own individual people, but, we are also our parents’ children, and are inevitably molded both by what we have learnt consciously or subconsciously from them, as well as by the traits we’d like to reject.

It’s minus thirty-seven degrees outside. My cat is curled up on my legs. And, I’m at a loss for words….

1 comment:

  1. Hey Vicky,
    Thanks for sharing your blog with me. I am just going through some of your entries and not only do I feel like I am getting to know you better but they are very well-written. It sucks that it has taken us more than 15 yrs to get in touch again but hopefully, it is not too late. And as adults now (or young adults), the memories that we develop now, hopefully, we will remember them and treasure them for life. Talk soon.