Thursday, February 14, 2008

(Anti-)Valentine's post

This Valentine’s Day, I received several cards and boxes of chocolates. Although I’ve raved on and on about my anti-Valentine’s sentiments to anyone willing to hear the rants of a bitter lunatic, I’ve been utterly touched by the gestures from my dear friends. And, as the years roll by, I realize that the things I scoff at the most are also the things for which I deeply yearn. The lovey-dovey, feel-good, showy type of romanticism is no different. I know that, deep down, I’m a sappy closet-romantic. I want the clichés, the love-at-first-sight’s, the happily-ever-after’s.

I typed in “Dear Vivacemusica” (except using my real first name) into the Google search bar to see what would come up. It’s an idea stolen from another blog that I read every day. What wisdom does the universe have for me? Here are random snippets from what Google deemed most relevant, followed by my comments in italics:

  • What a tough time to split up, with the holidays and all. Know that I am here for you. Yes, it’s strictly a physical thing. Still, it will be worth it. I promise I won’t stalk you after I am through with you, although I may pop out of the shower as if the whole previous season didn’t even happen. This was the first site that came up. Whoa – maybe the cosmos of blogland is trying to tell me something after all. I had a particularly devastating break-up before the holidays, and thought I would never surface from hurt and self-pity enough to resume a “normal” life. I have no clue what the context of this snippet was, but it spoke to me, and definitely intrigued me.

  • I used to eat 6 ounces of spinach a day. I recently replaced my spinach with iceberg lettuce in order to trim my food budget. Am I losing nutrients? I would have to be rich if I were to eat six ounces of fresh vegetables with the sky-rocket prices up here. However, maybe I should try harder. Chocolate raspberry creams are not a fruit. Potato chips are not a vegetable. And goldfish crackers are definitely not a fish.

  • The Right Tide IS the Right Time!! I’m happier than a Humpback in a herd of hooligans! Huh? Are humpbacks known for being happy? Particularly amongst hooligans? What if I’d rather be a hooligan? I’m taking a theatrical dance workshop over the weekend, and wish to channel my inner hooliganism, in hopes of coaxing that inner happy humpback to come out and play.

I had a beautiful dream last night. It involved the most gorgeous tree, with large, ever-spreading foliage, a swing, a cliff by the sea, and a coming thunderstorm. In my dream, I could breathe in the cool thickness of the air, feel the wind on my face, hear my heart pound in anticipation of the storm. It’s been a while since I’ve woken up not feeling empty or panicked. I could hear my dream set to the third movement of Beethoven’s “Moonlight” sonata. In recent days, I’ve been watching the video of the great Wilhelm Kempff playing it. My fingers are slowly learning the nuances of the piece, and now I have images, gifted to me in my sleep, that will paint themselves through the musical notes. I’ve tinkered away at my piano for hours and hours, the bitter lunatic giving way to the ever-hopeful romantic.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.  Hope it was a good one. And Happy Un-Valentine's too!   I find that if I look for tragedy, I'll inevitably find it.  If I look for miracles, they're also ready to be found.  The most beautiful things in life are not those that are meant to be beautiful; they're not the art pieces in a museum somewhere, but the things that somehow catch my eye in some inexplicable manner, as though the world wants only me to notice, in that particular moment and place.  I'm convinced that love is like that too.  One day, I'll have no choice but to take notice.


  1. The last two lines you wrote in this post just resonated..."I'm convinced that love is like that too. One day, I'll have no choice but to take notice." I think you are exactly right about that!

  2. I am SO glad to have this blog back.
    I swear you will publish a book someday.