Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ten truest things

This evening, I listened to Miranda July's performance at UC Berkeley, which was available for download for free from iTunes. It was entitled "Ten True Things." I had wanted it to be about ten things that we feel to our cores, ten truths that make us who we are, in this moment. It wasn't about that, but I love Miranda July all the same. I love her lists, her quirkiness, her way with people, her stories. But, I do want to take this time to list my "ten true things" in this very moment. Some of these items are inspired by July's questioning of her audience in her performance:

1) I have done all that I can to try to get into my grad school of choice. I used to be famous for my self-sabotaging tendencies, but this time, I can honestly say that I've tried my best. And the waiting game officially begins....

2) I have more self-respect and self-confidence than I think I had before taking the leap, before leaving my job to embark on this new journey. I have amazed myself these past few months. I feel as though I have really "grown up." I can sit in my professor's office and talk to him almost like a peer. I can approach tasks and people that months ago I would have been nervous about. Yet, part of me misses the non-grown-up version of me.

3) Exercise does make me feel more balanced. I'm proud to be a regular frequenter of the pool and gym again.

4) I can finally say that I'm not frantically searching for that elusive something or someone, but can feel that I am essentially all right. I still believe in a calling and a soulmate, but I've decided that frantic searches do not suit me.

5) I talk out loud to my cat on a daily basis. She has taught me that my heart always has enough room, enough love.

6) I have never hit someone in anger, and know with certainty that I will never do so.

7) I did not experience physical pain at anytime today. It's time to count my blessings.

8) I am afraid of the Big One. When I was young, the "Big One" used to be the earthquake that I had been told was due to hit the west coast. Now, the "Big One" is more amorphous, less definable. Perhaps it's the milestone that comes with my thirtieth birthday in a couple of years. Perhaps it's the eventuality of losing someone so important to me that I would not know how to continue on. Perhaps the "Big One" is not so big or momentous, but is the soft descent into complacency. But, I'm afraid of it just the same.

9) I miss my students. I miss starting the day and setting up my classroom. But, I am glad I am here.

10) I'm ready for what comes next.

1 comment:

  1. A wonderful start to 2009! I need to check out Miranda July's book and movie, see why you like her so much.